Well, I hoped to make a post in a few weeks with some joyous news, but yesterday that all got shattered. I went in for an ultrasound, I should have been 7 weeks 3 days. There was a sac measuring a week behind and no heartbeat. Once again, for the 4th time in 13 months... another miscarriage. This time though, I get socked in the gut with a missed miscarriage. My body is still acting pregnant, still symptoms, and no signs of it ending soon.
I keep asking myself "why?". Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep getting teased with being pregnant, only to have it ripped away from me? Why do I have such a strong desire for just one more baby?
I feel like I'm being emotionally tortured.
Yes, I do have seven beautiful children, but a loss is a loss, and it doesn't hurt any less because of blessings I already have.
I don't know if we will try again. I don't know if I can take getting my hopes up again. I don't know if I can handle another loss. I just don't know anything right now.
I wonder if I'm being tested. And honestly I don't know if I will pass. I won't say my faith is broken, but it certainly is hurt at the moment.
Today I have to put on my game face, a happy face... for my children(who do not know), for school tonight where I have to help out with art night, for people at the bus stop(who don't know), for the world. I feel like this past year has been a lot of me giving to others, doing things to please others, being and doing things that aren't me, and not being true to myself or what I want. Maybe that sounds selfish and I guess it is, but I'm worn out. I'm tired of being insecure, which is really what this past year has been about. I know I'm rambling and it probably doesn't make sense. And you really don't want to read a sad and depressing post. But this is where I am right now. I'm not pretending all is OK, because I'm not OK.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I've slowly been working on this Home Sweet Home sampler that I picked up at Goodwill ages ago. It's starting to come along nicely and I really like the two toned look of it.
Back to cleaning.
Have a great day,
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I could tell you lots of excuses, but basically I've just been busy and life has taken priority to blogging.
February is dragging on and I am really tired of winter, never thought I would say that, but I'm done with the snow and I need some warm weather and green grass.
So here is what has happened in the last month and half... LOTS... with one Big surprise!
Hubby and I celebrated our 21st Anniversary on January 16th. He took me to a fancy restaurant in Portland....
Cameron and Kellsea ELOPED!!! on January 19th!!! I have a 20yr old MARRIED Marine for a son!! And I'm now a mother-in-law, wow!! Needless to say, we will not be going out to California in April now, but we will be flying them both home to Maine in May for a honeymoon.
Mason and I have been going to story time at the library on Tuesday mornings... he loves it!
Made Valentines for Sarah's Valentine swap...
Had lots and lots of this....
We have had 4 or 5 snowdays from school.
Made the February bulletin board for school....
Mason turned 4 on February 8th!!! Holy smokes, my baby is a preschooler!!!
Becca went to the high school's winter formal. She asked a boy and he said YES!! Unfortunately my camera flaked out and lost the pics of them together and this one of her is not the best quality. She had a fantastic time.
Trekked up to the local park and sledded....
Samantha turned 19 on February 18th!! All my babies are getting so big.
And we woke up to such beauty this morning....
Didn't like shoveling is last night, but it sure is nice to look at now...
And look at that sky!
So that is it in a nutshell. Some other things going on too, but I will save those for later.
Have a wonderful day,
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
One week down, and 51 more to go...Hubby and I are trying to go the whole year without spending any money on extra things... we are going to try to stick to a budget...no shopping(the kids will still get birthday presents and clothes when needed) other than necessities. We are putting money in a vacation fund, Christmas account, and regular savings, and extra will go to paying down bills. Because in reality, we really don't "need" anything, most things are just wants. I figure if we have the will power to lose weight, then we have the will power to do this. So one week in and we are doing good.
And with this new year and new budget, I am going to reexamine things I already have in the house. Weed out the crap and showcase the things I really love.
I've been cleaning the kitchen and mudroom all day and when I finally got to the point where I could adjust the decor, I started with the kitchen window area. I was looking at this tiered wire basket stand and realized that I had two white porcelain chamber pots in it. One holding a plant and the other holding dish scrubbers. Then it hit me.... why wasn't my third chamber pot on the top? I love these chamber pots(yes, my family thinks it is gross and weird to own these, but I like them) but I have never found the right spot to put them all... until now. It took a bit of finagling to fit that top one in, but it's there now and is holding the dish cloths.
Have a lovely day,
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
It's January 7th and I was finally able to get into school and do the January Bulletin board. The kids were supposed to go back on January 2nd, but because of the weather(first snow and then ice) they had off Thursday, Friday, and Monday too! We have used up 3 of our 5 built in snow days already and it's only the beginning of winter. Oh well, the extra long break was nice.
So here is the board...
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Cameron flew back to California on New Year's day. Before he came we learned that he had a pretty serious girlfriend out there. And it just so happened that she was from Maine(small world right?). We knew things were going somewhere because he actually talked to us about her(he never talked about his social life with us as a teenager), he didn't go out with friends, and snap chatted her the whole time. On the two hour drive to the airport, hubby and I talked about what his plans were for the future. He and this girl remind us of hubby and I 21 years ago... they are almost the exact same ages, he's in the military, he will be transferred in the summer, and they are serious about each other. We told him all about us back then and said we totally understand if he elopes(we did, we were far from family, just like he is), but if he can give us notice, we would really like to be there. And I made sure I told him that he has to take some pictures of the day... I don't have any and that is my only regret.
Well, while hubby and I were at the gym this afternoon(did a 10k btw on the treadmill and I'm paying for it now in pain) I got a text from him...."Me and Kellsea are getting married". He also snap chatted me a pic of her ring...it's almost like the one above.
So my oldest baby is engaged!!! Wow. I'm really feeling old. Especially when hubby says to me that I could be a grandma in the near future.
Seriously though, I am over the moon happy for him. I'm so happy that he is happy. That is what I want most for my kids.
We may be taking a road trip to California soon. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Just like I did for 2012, I decided to do a bullet recap of this past year...the good and the bad, in no particular order.(all the pictures were taken yesterday morning after a beautiful snow that fell overnight)
1) Changed our lifestyle to healthier eating and more exercise
2) Lost 70lbs (still want to shed 35 more)
3) Ran my first 5k
4) Cameron came home for 2 weeks in the summer
5) Turned the big 40
6) Had a wonderful birthday trip with hubby(first time away from the kids ever)
8) Coached soccer for the first time
9) Started going to the gym with hubby
11) Rode on the back of the motorcycle(a lot) and actually enjoyed it
12) Rearranged the house (a lot), but that is nothing new
13) Hosted my 2nd annual gingerbread house party
14) Took ballroom dance lessons(I'm not a dancer)
15) Went zip lining for the first time(loved it)
16) Cameron came home Christmas
18) Found our church family again
19) Got a new car!(which I love!!)
20) Continued to be blessed by God with a wonderful husband, terrific kids, and lovely life.
May God bless all of you and your families in the new year.