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Friday, March 7, 2014

4 Times...

Well, I hoped to make a post in a few weeks with some joyous news, but yesterday that all got shattered.  I went in for an ultrasound, I should have been 7 weeks 3 days.  There was a sac measuring a week behind and no heartbeat.  Once again, for the 4th time in 13 months... another miscarriage.  This time though, I get socked in the gut with a missed miscarriage. My body is still acting pregnant, still symptoms, and no signs of it ending soon.

I keep asking myself "why?". Why does this keep happening?  Why do I keep getting teased with being pregnant, only to have it ripped away from me? Why do I have such a strong desire for just one more baby?

I feel like I'm being emotionally tortured.

Yes, I do have seven beautiful children, but a loss is a loss, and it doesn't hurt any less because of blessings I already have.

I don't know if we will try again. I don't know if I can take getting my hopes up again. I don't know if I can handle another loss.  I just don't know anything right now.

I wonder if I'm being tested. And honestly I don't know if I will pass.  I won't say my faith is broken, but it certainly is hurt at the moment.

Today I have to put on my game face, a happy face... for my children(who do not know), for school tonight where I have to help out with art night,  for people at the bus stop(who don't know), for the world.  I feel like this past year has been a lot of me giving to others, doing things to please others, being and doing things that aren't me, and not being true to myself or what I want.  Maybe that sounds selfish and I guess it is,  but I'm worn out.  I'm tired of being insecure, which is really what this past year has been about.  I know I'm rambling and it probably doesn't make sense.  And you really don't want to read a sad and depressing post.  But this is where I am right now. I'm not pretending all is OK, because I'm not OK.

Tiff

16 comments:

  1. Oh Tiff, I'm so sorry!! You've been so much, and so has your body, with losing all that weight too, that paired with your age, getting closer to menopause, might have something to do with it? A doctor visit with hormone testing might be helpful. I know it's not what you want to think about but it may give you some answers? Keeping you close in prayers and sending you a big cyber hug! :)

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  2. Oh Tiff. You know I feel your pain (four was my number too), but let's talk a little business? This is number 4, you should have had a recurrent miscarriage panel after number 3. Have they mentioned that? Are you seeing an RE instead of your OB? And one more thing - have you had your progesterone levels checked? Oh yea and thyroid too. Plenty of women have babies into their 40s, but you do need a specialized doc. My most "successful" pregnancy (if you want to call it that, the one without any difficulties until labor) I used progesterone starting AT OVULATION. That is what made the difference for me with Grant. I don't care how many kids you have - you are allowed to have as many as you want and can care for, don't let anyone tell you differently.

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  4. Tiff- You are in mourning right now and have the right to acknowledge the loss. Prayers and hugs sent your way. Amy

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  5. Oh sweet Tiff, I am hurting for you, with you.
    I send so much love and comfort your way.

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  6. Dear sweet Tiff,I am so very sorry and my heart aches with you.If you can't turn to your friends and voice your pain then what good are we ,vent all you want! My thoughts,hugs,and prayers are with you!! Jen

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  7. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, again.
    I have no answers, but I will be praying for you Tiff.
    I pray for the Lord to envelop you with His love and peace.

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  8. so sorry for your loss, be strong..

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  9. I can't say that I understand, because I don't, but you are in my prayers, and I am so sorry you were put through this again. :( I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you a hug!

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  10. Tiff I totally understand where you are right
    now. I have the same miscarriage situation happening to me for the last 2 years. I'm so afraid to try again & get my hopes up.

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  11. Tiff I am so sorry for your loss. Take the time you need to grieve. I am praying for you!
    Be blessed,
    Cindi

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  12. Sorry for your loss, Tiff. I have not been through that type of trauma, so I cannot imagine your pain. You are in my prayers.

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  13. Tiff I am so sorry to hear this !! I'm sending lots of love ~ hugs ~ prayers for you sweetie ((♥))

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  14. Oh Tiff,
    It is okay not to be happy. I think we all can understand. My heart goes out to you. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

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  15. I agree, it's OK to be disappointed and sad andI think it normal to feel a bit of bitterness as well. Praying for you and hubby and for His will to be done.

    Kendra

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  16. I've heard that what we fear we create and I'm not sure that I believe that, but I do believe when we get focused on something so much, our bodies react. Thank God for your blessings and when you turn it all over to him with believing what will be, will be, you may be blessed again. I am always reminded that unanswered prayers are sometimes a blessing that might take years to discover why. My heart goes out to you.

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