Well, I hoped to make a post in a few weeks with some joyous news, but yesterday that all got shattered. I went in for an ultrasound, I should have been 7 weeks 3 days. There was a sac measuring a week behind and no heartbeat. Once again, for the 4th time in 13 months... another miscarriage. This time though, I get socked in the gut with a missed miscarriage. My body is still acting pregnant, still symptoms, and no signs of it ending soon.
I keep asking myself "why?". Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep getting teased with being pregnant, only to have it ripped away from me? Why do I have such a strong desire for just one more baby?
I feel like I'm being emotionally tortured.
Yes, I do have seven beautiful children, but a loss is a loss, and it doesn't hurt any less because of blessings I already have.
I don't know if we will try again. I don't know if I can take getting my hopes up again. I don't know if I can handle another loss. I just don't know anything right now.
I wonder if I'm being tested. And honestly I don't know if I will pass. I won't say my faith is broken, but it certainly is hurt at the moment.
Today I have to put on my game face, a happy face... for my children(who do not know), for school tonight where I have to help out with art night, for people at the bus stop(who don't know), for the world. I feel like this past year has been a lot of me giving to others, doing things to please others, being and doing things that aren't me, and not being true to myself or what I want. Maybe that sounds selfish and I guess it is, but I'm worn out. I'm tired of being insecure, which is really what this past year has been about. I know I'm rambling and it probably doesn't make sense. And you really don't want to read a sad and depressing post. But this is where I am right now. I'm not pretending all is OK, because I'm not OK.